The Excuse-Me Shoulder Tap

A Montessori Grace & Courtesy lesson, played as a short role-play, that gives the child a clear and respectful way to get a busy adult’s attention instead of shouting, tugging, or repeating “Mum, Mum, Mum.”

  1. Pick a calm moment — never in the middle of a real interruption. Say: “I’m going to show you a secret signal for when you need me and I’m busy.”
  2. Demonstrate with a second adult or a teddy. One “talks on the phone.” The other walks up, rests a hand gently on the busy person’s shoulder or arm, and waits silently.
  3. The busy person covers the hand with their own — the silent reply that means “I know you’re here; I’ll be with you soon” — finishes the sentence, then turns and says, “Thank you for waiting. What do you need?”
  4. The waiting person says, “Excuse me — “ and makes the request.
  5. Swap roles. The child practises being the waiter first, then the busy one (children love being the important person on the phone).
  6. Practise three or four rounds, keeping the wait very short at first (3–5 seconds), then use the signal for real during the day.

Variation: agree on an emergency rule together (“If someone is hurt or something is dangerous, you say ‘Emergency!’ out loud straight away”) and sort a few pretend situations into “shoulder tap” or “emergency.”

Requirements

  • Space: Any room; no special space needed
  • Surface: Not applicable
  • Materials: None; a toy phone, a book, or a teddy as the "busy person" is optional
  • Participants: 1 adult + 1 child; a second adult or sibling makes the first demonstration clearer
  • Supervision: Full participation — the adult models and role-plays

Rationale & Objective

Knowing that you should not interrupt is not the same as knowing what to do instead. Montessori’s Grace & Courtesy lessons work on exactly this gap: the social convention is broken into small, visible movements and rehearsed in a neutral moment, so the child has a ready-made action when the real situation arrives. The lesson practises three examples from this subdomain at once — saying “excuse me,” getting attention appropriately before asking for help or permission, and reading the context (is this person busy?). The adult’s hand-over-hand reply matters as much as the child’s tap: it makes waiting tolerable because the child knows the message was received. Head Start ELOF (Goal P-LC 4) expects preschoolers to understand, follow, and use appropriate social and conversational rules, and Teaching Strategies GOLD tracks the same skill as “uses social rules of language.” CASEL lists communicating effectively and seeking help when needed among the core relationship skills.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: uses the signal only in the game; in real life still calls out or tugs, and needs a whispered reminder (“What’s our signal?”)
  • Developing: uses the tap when reminded; can wait about 5–10 seconds but may tap repeatedly or begin talking before being invited
  • Proficient: uses the tap spontaneously most of the time with familiar adults, waits calmly until acknowledged, then opens with “Excuse me”
  • Advanced: uses the signal with less familiar adults (teacher, grandparent), judges for themselves what counts as an emergency, and says “excuse me” when passing in front of or squeezing past someone

Safety Notes

  • Teach the emergency exception on the very first day — a child must never feel they have to wait silently when someone is hurt, frightened, or in danger
  • Keep your side of the bargain: acknowledge the tap within seconds and respond within about a minute, or the child learns that politeness does not work
  • Some children dislike touching or being touched; offer a no-touch version (standing beside you with a raised finger or a small “waiting card”)
  • Do not use the signal to shame (“You forgot AGAIN”); a quiet prompt or simply modelling the tap yourself is enough
  • If a 5-year-old almost never manages to wait or to notice that others are busy across many settings, despite months of practice, mention it to the pediatrician or a speech-language pathologist

Hints

  • Playfulness: ham up the “busy” role — an absurd pretend phone call about an elephant in the bath makes the waiting funny rather than tense
  • Sustain interest: bring it back every few weeks with a new busy scene (cooking, typing, two adults chatting) — Montessori teachers re-present these lessons often, because one showing is never enough
  • Common mistake: teaching it in the heat of the moment as a correction. Rehearse when nobody needs anything, and make the first waits so short the child cannot fail
  • Limited space: needs no space or equipment at all — it works in a queue, in the car (a tap on the seat), or on a walk
  • Cross-domain: silently counting to five while waiting adds self-regulation practice; talking about how the busy person feels when interrupted builds perspective-taking
  • Progression: 3-second wait with a teddy → 10-second wait with a parent → real phone calls → two adults in conversation → using it with a teacher or relative

Sources

  • Montessori Grace & Courtesy lessons — “how to interrupt politely” (hand on the shoulder) as a standard Children’s House presentation
  • Head Start ELOF, Language & Communication, Goal P-LC 4 — “Child understands, follows, and uses appropriate social and conversational rules”
  • Teaching Strategies GOLD Objective 10b — “Uses social rules of language”
  • CASEL Framework — Relationship Skills (communicating effectively; seeking or offering support and help when needed)
  • Gleason, J.B., Perlmann, R.Y. & Greif, E.B. (1984), “What’s the magic word: Learning language through politeness routines,” Discourse Processes 7(4)
  • UK EYFS Development Matters — Communication & Language (social phrases and listening to others)