Win Some, Lose Some

Short, low-stakes games — mostly games of chance, so losing isn’t personal — played often enough that winning and losing both become ordinary. Paired with a simple “good game” ritual and a grown-up who models losing cheerfully, this is how a five-year-old learns the genuinely hard skill of being a good sport.

  1. Start with chance, not skill. Snakes and ladders, snap, dice races, “war” with cards, higher-card-wins. When the dice decide, losing doesn’t mean “I’m bad” — it lowers the sting while the skill is still being built.
  2. Teach the ritual before you play. Three little phrases, rehearsed like magic words: “Good game!”, “Well played!”, “Want to play again?” — plus a high-five or handshake at the end, win or lose.
  3. Model losing — out loud and well. You lose sometimes (genuinely, not theatrically) and show the script: “Aw, I lost that one! So close. Good game! Let’s play again.” Your visible, relaxed disappointment is the most powerful lesson in the activity.
  4. Name the feeling, hold the line. When they lose and crumple: “You really wanted to win. That’s disappointing.” Validate the feeling — and keep the result. Don’t undo the loss to stop the tears; that teaches that big feelings rewrite reality.
  5. Phase out “letting them win.” Early on, near-50/50 outcomes keep it bearable. Over weeks, stop arranging wins, so real losing meets a real, rehearsed coping ritual.
  6. Praise the sportsmanship, not the result. “You lost and you still said good game — that’s strong.” Celebrate the recovery, not the win.

Variation: co-operative games first (everyone-versus-the- board, “beat the storm cloud before it rains”) for a child not yet ready to lose to a person — you both win or both lose, so the game is the opponent. Then team games (child + parent versus another pair). Add a light feelings check afterwards — thumb up / sideways / down for how the losing felt — tracked over time.

Requirements

  • Space: A table or floor; anywhere, including the car
  • Surface: Tabletop or floor
  • Materials: A simple game of chance (dice, snap cards, snakes and ladders, a number deck); optional co-operative board game
  • Participants: 2+ players — 1 adult + 1 child at minimum; small groups are good for turn-taking
  • Supervision: Active — adult plays, models the losing script, validates feelings, and holds the result

Rationale & Objective

At five, children grasp rules but still think in black-and-white terms, so a loss can feel like a verdict on their worth — which is why losing triggers such big feelings at this age (Stanford Children’s Health). Deliberately practising losing in low-stakes games of chance is the evidence-aligned route: chance outcomes decouple losing from competence, lowering the threat while the coping skill is rehearsed. The mechanism is twofold. First, adult modelling — children learn sportsmanship far more from watching how grown-ups handle their own losses than from being told to be gracious (Bandura, 1977). Second, emotion coaching — naming and validating the disappointment while keeping the outcome intact (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997) teaches that uncomfortable feelings are survivable and don’t need to be erased by changing reality. This maps onto the subdomain measurement “recovers from losing a game within 2–3 minutes” and the CASEL self-management skill of managing emotions toward a goal. A practical caution from clinical consensus: never secretly let the child win every time — it deprives them of the very experience the skill requires, and children eventually detect it, which erodes both the lesson and their trust.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: melts down, rages, flips the board, or refuses to finish when losing; may cheat or change rules to avoid a loss; cannot say “good game”
  • Developing: visibly upset at losing but, with coaching, can say the ritual phrase through gritted teeth; recovers in several minutes with adult support
  • Proficient: disappointed but recovers within a couple of minutes; says “good game” with sincerity most of the time; willing to play again after losing
  • Advanced: genuinely congratulates the winner; reframes the loss (“I’ll get it next time”); comforts a peer who lost; enjoys the playing more than the winning

Safety Notes

  • This is emotionally challenging by design — keep sessions short and stop while it’s still fun; flooding the child with loss after loss backfires
  • Hold the result, but never shame the reaction (“don’t be a baby,” “it’s just a game”) — name the feeling instead; shaming teaches concealment, not resilience
  • For a child not yet ready to lose to a person, start co-operative (everyone versus the board); forcing competitive losing too early can entrench game-avoidance
  • Watch the adult’s own competitiveness; “winning to toughen them up” at age five is counter-productive
  • Avoid high-stakes or prize-laden games while the skill is forming — stakes amplify the sting

Hints

  • Playfulness: make the “good game” handshake silly and special (a secret shake); take turns being the “sportsmanship referee” who spots good-sport behaviour in others
  • Sustain interest: rotate games; mix in co-operative ones so it isn’t loss after loss; occasionally let the child be the one to “model” losing well to a puppet or younger sibling
  • Common mistake: always letting them win (deprives them of the skill, and they figure it out); rescuing the loss to stop tears; shaming the upset; making a big dramatic deal when you win
  • Limited space / no equipment: “odds or evens” on fingers, rock-paper-scissors, “I’m thinking of a number,” or racing to spot ten red cars — all create instant, stakes-free wins and losses
  • Cross-domain: dice and scoring build counting and number sense; turn-taking builds cooperation and impulse control; naming the feeling builds emotional literacy
  • Progression: co-operative games (no human loser) → 50/50 chance games with the losing ritual → stop letting them win → skill games where losing stings more → losing gracefully in peer settings without an adult

Sources

  • Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice-Hall — modelling of sportsmanship and emotional responses
  • Gottman, J. M. & DeClaire, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster — emotion coaching: validate the feeling, hold the limit
  • Stanford Medicine Children’s Health — “Teaching Children Good Sportsmanship” (developmental guidance for ages 4–5)
  • Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary Magic: Resilience in Development. Guilford Press
  • CASEL — Self-Management (managing emotions; impulse control) and Social Awareness (perspective-taking with the winner)
  • ASQ:SE-2 — Self-Regulation: managing reactions to disappointing outcomes
  • HighScope — encouragement over praise; supporting children to work through their own frustrations
  • Devereux Early Childhood Assessment (DECA-P2) — Self-Regulation protective-factor scale