Six-Step Mediation (Parent-Led HighScope)

A calm, structured 6-step script for the adult when two children’s conflict is bigger than they can solve alone — adapted from HighScope’s “Steps in Resolving Conflicts” (Evans, 2002) and well-aligned with Faber & Mazlish’s parent-mediation work. The adult is the container, not the judge. No verdict, no winner, no “who started it.” Just: stop the harm → name the feelings → gather the story → restate the problem → ask the children for solutions → follow up.

  1. Approach calmly and stop any hurtful action. Walk in, get low (kneel or sit), use a soft voice. If hitting/biting is happening, separate physically and calmly: “I can’t let you hurt each other.” Bodies first; talking second.
  2. Acknowledge feelings. Name what you see. “You look really upset. And you look upset too.” Don’t evaluate the cause yet — both feelings are real and both get named. Five-year-olds need their feeling to be seen first before they can hear a question.
  3. Gather information. “Can you tell me what happened?” One at a time. The other holds the rose, a token, a pillow — whatever signals it’s their turn next. Listen without correcting. Even if one child’s story is partial — let it land.
  4. Restate the problem. “So here’s what I’m hearing — Mira wanted the truck, Sam was already playing with the truck, and you both got upset. Did I get it right?” Children adjust the summary. Restating externalises the conflict so it becomes a thing between them, not a thing they are.
  5. Ask for solutions. “What could you do?” Take every idea, even imperfect or impractical ones. List them: “Take turns. Share. Get a second truck. One has the truck, the other has the trailer.” Have the children pick. The picked solution is theirs — even if it’s not your favourite.
  6. Follow up. Check back in 5–10 minutes. “How’s the truck-sharing going?” If the plan didn’t hold, revisit step 5 (“Need a different idea?”). The follow- up is what teaches that conflict-resolution is a process, not an event.

Variation: for single-child upset with the adult (rather than peer conflict), the same 6 steps work — the adult becomes both mediator and party. For non-verbal moments, replace step 3 with drawing or pointing at a feelings poster. Print a small step- card for the wall so the parent can glance at it under stress — every parent forgets step 4 when their own arousal spikes.

Requirements

  • Space: Wherever the conflict is — get low to child-eye-level
  • Surface: Any
  • Materials: A small wall-card listing the 6 steps for the parent (a printed reminder is essential); a feelings poster nearby; optional peace rose or token for turn-taking during step 3; optional small notebook for the adult to write the agreed solution
  • Participants: 1 adult mediator + 2 children (or 1 child + adult)
  • Supervision: Heavy — this is adult-led mediation; the adult is the structure

Rationale & Objective

The HighScope “Steps in Resolving Conflicts” is one of the most widely-used and well-documented preschool conflict-resolution structures, with practitioner guides from HighScope (Evans, 2002) and a US Department of Education-sponsored review (Self-regulation, Plan-Do- Review, and Conflict Resolution, herNAR, 2016) recommending the approach. The HighScope Perry Preschool Study and subsequent longitudinal work (Schweinhart et al., 2005) link this kind of structured social-problem- solving instruction to long-term social-emotional outcomes. The six-step structure layers in several evidence-based mechanisms: co-regulation through calm adult presence (step 1; Murray et al., 2016); emotion-labelling to dampen amygdala activation (step 2; Lieberman et al., 2007); active listening (steps 3 and 4; Johnson & Johnson, 1996); child- generated solutions which research consistently shows produce more durable behavioural change than adult- imposed ones (Webster-Stratton, 2011; Faber & Mazlish, 1980/2012); and follow-up for behaviour-consolidation (Bailey, 2015). The structure also fits Vygotsky’s zone-of-proximal-development model — the adult provides just enough scaffolding for the children to solve a problem they could not solve alone yet. Honest caveat: the steps look simple on paper and are devilishly hard under stress; every parent skips step 2 or step 4 when their own arousal is up. The wall-card and the practice of saying "hold on, I missed a step, let me back up" are part of the technique, not failures of it.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: child cannot tolerate the structure; melts down, walks away, or refuses to participate; the adult does steps 1–5 essentially solo
  • Developing: child engages with step 2 (feelings) and step 3 (their story) with prompting; suggests a solution when asked; the solution is partial but workable
  • Proficient: child runs steps 2, 3, and 5 with the adult only doing 1, 4, and 6; suggests multiple solutions; tolerates the partner’s story without interruption; the agreed solution holds at follow-up
  • Advanced: child uses the 6-step language with peers without the adult present (“Wait — what happened from your side?”); coaches a sibling through the structure; distinguishes when adult mediation is needed vs when they can use the Peace Rose Ritual alone

Safety Notes

  • Never adjudicate "who started it" — the question is unanswerable and seeking it positions you as judge, which collapses the structure
  • Do not skip step 1 (stop the harm) — even if it’s mild, naming the no-hurt rule explicitly is what keeps the rest of the structure safe
  • Watch your own arousal — the technique only works if you are regulated; if you feel hot, say "I need a minute," step away, breathe, then return to step 2
  • For repeated hits / bites / chronic safety problems, the 6-step is not enough — escalate to a clinical consult; this technique is for normal-range conflicts, not for safety-pattern problems
  • Do not extend mediation past 10–15 minutes for a 5-year-old — they cannot hold the cognitive load longer; if the issue isn’t resolved, pause and return in 30 minutes
  • Avoid using the structure to extract a confession or moral verdict; the 6-step is forward-facing (what do we do now), not backward-facing (who was wrong)
  • Do not use the structure with an audience (siblings watching, friends in the room) — the public stage adds shame and the children cannot do honest repair work; take the conversation to a private space
  • Never threaten removal of privileges as part of the mediation (“if you don’t agree on something, no screens tonight”) — that converts it from problem-solving to coercion

Hints

  • Playfulness: name the family’s process (“the Six Steps,” “our family talking circle”); print a colourful step-card for the wall; let the children narrate the steps to a stuffed animal as practice; a small “mediator’s badge” or hat the parent wears can lighten the formality
  • Sustain interest: review the steps once a month at family meeting; role-reverse — let the child be mediator while the parent and a sibling have a mock conflict; family meeting at weekly intervals where the steps are used for planning, not just conflict (which family activity, what’s for dinner Saturday)
  • Common mistake: skipping step 2 (going straight to story without feelings — children clam up); skipping step 4 (restating — children don’t feel heard); imposing the solution at step 5 (“actually, you should…” — kills ownership); not following up (the agreement evaporates and the structure isn’t reinforced); doing the 6-step when you are not yet regulated (your hidden agenda leaks through)
  • Limited space: the 6 steps work anywhere — bathroom floor, car back seat, restaurant table; whisper if the venue is public; for very small spaces, the “draw the problem” version (each child draws what happened on a shared paper) replaces verbal steps 3–4
  • Cross-domain: name the feelings (emotional literacy); listen and paraphrase (active listening, language pragmatics); generate solutions (problem-solving, executive function); pair with the Peace Rose Ritual for the two-child-led structured version; use the Notice-Name-Fix Repair Ritual for the post-conflict repair if someone was hurt; the I-Feel Statement Practice inside step 3 keeps the children’s stories I-framed
  • Progression: parent runs all 6 steps → parent prompts the children through steps 2, 3, 5 → children run steps 2, 3, 5 with parent only doing 1, 4, 6 → children run the entire structure peer-to-peer → children distinguish 6-step-worthy conflicts from quick fair-choice ones → child becomes informal mediator for a peer or sibling conflict

Sources

  • Evans, B. (2002). You Can’t Come to My Birthday Party! Conflict Resolution with Young Children. HighScope Press — primary source for the 6 steps
  • HighScope Educational Research Foundation (2021). HighScope Approach to Problem-Solving with Preschool Children practitioner brief
  • Schweinhart, L. J., Montie, J., Xiang, Z., Barnett, W. S., Belfield, C. R. & Nores, M. (2005). Lifetime Effects: The HighScope Perry Preschool Study Through Age 40. HighScope Press
  • ERIC ED443506 — Supporting Children in Resolving Conflicts: A Curriculum Videotape for Preschool & Kindergarten (HighScope, 1998)
  • US Department of Education / herNAR (2016). Self-regulation, Plan-Do-Review, and Conflict Resolution — review of HighScope approach
  • Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980/2012). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Scribner
  • Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1987/2012). Siblings Without Rivalry. W. W. Norton — 5-step parent mediation approach
  • Webster-Stratton, C. (2011). The Incredible Years. Incredible Years Inc.
  • Murray, D. W., Rosanbalm, K. & Christopoulos, C. (2016). Co-Regulation from Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief. OPRE Report 2016-79, US DHHS
  • Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H. & Way, B. M. (2007). “Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli.” Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428
  • Johnson, D. W. & Johnson, R. T. (1996). “Conflict resolution and peer mediation programs in elementary and secondary schools.” Review of Educational Research, 66(4), 459–506
  • Vygotsky, L. S. (1978). Mind in Society. Harvard University Press — zone of proximal development
  • Bailey, B. A. (2015). Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms. Loving Guidance
  • Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-Drama Discipline. Bantam — connect-before-redirect for parent mediation
  • Head Start ELOF — Social and Emotional Development (P-SE 11: cooperation; relationship skills)
  • CASEL — Relationship Skills (conflict resolution); Responsible Decision-Making