The Comfort Menu

Together you draw a picture “menu” of ways to comfort someone, then practise asking which one they would like — because not everybody wants a hug.

  1. At a calm moment, ask: “When you are sad, what helps you feel better?” Then share your own: “When I’m sad, I like someone to sit next to me quietly.”
  2. On a sheet of paper, draw 5–6 comfort choices together, one per box — for example a hug, sitting close, a tissue or a drink of water, bringing a cuddly toy, getting a grown-up, and a bit of space.
  3. Ask other family members which one they like best and put their initial or a little face next to it. Notice out loud that people chose differently.
  4. Practise with a toy first: the toy is crying. The child kneels down, says “Are you okay?”, then “Would you like a hug, or shall I sit with you?”
  5. Swap: you pretend to be a bit sad (keep it light) and the child offers two choices from the menu. Accept one warmly and say how it helped.
  6. Hang the menu where everyone can see it and point to it when someone at home really is having a hard moment.

Variation: make a pocket-sized menu to keep in the kindergarten bag, or add a new box whenever you discover another kind of comfort (a song, a drawing, a funny face after the tears have passed).

Requirements

  • Space: A table for drawing; any quiet corner for the practice
  • Surface: Table or floor
  • Materials: Paper, crayons or markers, tape; one cuddly toy
  • Participants: 1 adult + 1 child; better with other family members adding their choices
  • Supervision: Active — the adult leads the conversation and plays along

Rationale & Objective

Most 5-year-olds feel concern when someone cries, but many freeze, stare, or walk away because they simply do not know what to do. Developmental research separates three kinds of prosocial response — helping with a practical need, sharing, and comforting emotional distress — and finds that each develops on its own timetable, with emotion-based helping harder for toddlers than practical helping (Dunfield & Kuhlmeier, 2013; Svetlova, Nichols & Brownell, 2010). Giving the child a small, rehearsed repertoire turns warm feeling into action. Asking first (“hug or sit with you?”) teaches that comfort has to fit the other person’s preference, not one’s own — the step from egocentric to genuinely other-oriented comforting described by Hoffman (2000). The Head Start ELOF expects preschoolers to express care and concern toward others, and the EYFS asks that children “show sensitivity to their own and to others’ needs”.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: watches a crying person without acting, or offers what they themselves would want (their own blanket, their own favourite toy) without checking
  • Developing: with a reminder or a glance at the menu, asks “Are you okay?” and offers one kind of comfort, usually a hug
  • Proficient: spontaneously approaches an upset person, offers a choice of two comforts, and accepts “no thank you” without being hurt
  • Advanced: remembers what particular people like (“Grandma likes me to sit with her”), and fetches an adult when the problem is too big for them

Safety Notes

  • Teach that comfort is always offered, never forced — a hug needs a yes. This doubles as early consent learning
  • Keep your pretend sadness mild and brief; some children become genuinely alarmed when a parent acts upset — stop and reassure if that happens
  • Make clear that a child is never responsible for fixing an adult’s feelings; “getting a grown-up” is always a good choice on the menu
  • A child who comforts constantly and anxiously monitors others’ moods may be carrying too much worry — mention it to your pediatrician or kindergarten teacher
  • If your child rarely notices or reacts to others’ distress by age 5–6 and this comes with other social communication concerns, discuss it with a professional rather than drilling the menu

Hints

  • Playfulness: let the child draw the pictures and choose silly extras for the menu (“a dinosaur roar to scare the sadness away”) alongside the real ones
  • Sustain interest: each month interview one more person — a grandparent on the phone, a neighbour — and add their favourite comfort to the menu
  • Common mistake: telling the child “go and give her a hug”. Ask instead “What do you think she might like?” so the child does the thinking
  • Limited space: no paper needed — count the comfort choices on five fingers and practise in the car or at bedtime
  • Cross-domain: writing initials and labels on the menu is real-purpose early writing; asking the questions practises polite conversation
  • Progression: comfort a toy → comfort a pretending parent → use the menu with a real upset sibling with your support → use it unprompted with friends

Sources

  • Dunfield, K. A. & Kuhlmeier, V. A. (2013). “Classifying prosocial behavior: Children’s responses to instrumental need, emotional distress, and material desire.” Child Development, 84(5), 1766–1776
  • Svetlova, M., Nichols, S. R. & Brownell, C. A. (2010). “Toddlers’ prosocial behavior: From instrumental to empathic to altruistic helping.” Child Development, 81(6), 1814–1827
  • Hoffman, M. L. (2000). Empathy and Moral Development: Implications for Caring and Justice. Cambridge University Press
  • Head Start ELOF — Social and Emotional Development, Emotional Functioning (child expresses care and concern toward others)
  • UK EYFS — Personal, Social and Emotional Development ELG, Building Relationships (“show sensitivity to their own and to others’ needs”)
  • CASEL — Social Awareness competency (showing concern for the feelings of others; demonstrating empathy and compassion)