Hug, High-Five, or Wave? — The Affection Menu

A picture menu of ways to show someone you like them, and a game for practising choosing one that the other person wants too. It teaches warm, confident affection and asking first in the same breath.

  1. Brainstorm the ways. Ask “How can you show someone you like them?” Collect ideas — hug, high-five, fist bump, wave, holding hands, a big smile, kind words (“I like playing with you”), making a drawing, sitting beside them.
  2. Draw the menu. The child draws 5–6 of these as simple pictures on one sheet. Make sure at least two are no-touch choices.
  3. Play Offer and Answer. Take turns. One person offers — “Hug, high-five, or wave?” — the other chooses, and you do it. Family members and soft toys all get a turn at choosing.
  4. Practise the “no thanks”. Sometimes choose “Just a wave today.” Show that this is fine and that the wave is still friendly. The child practises both saying it and hearing it.
  5. Match the person. Lay out photos or name a few people — Grandma, best friend, the teacher, a new child at preschool, the bus driver. Ask “Which ones from the menu fit this person?” Talk about why a new classmate might get a wave and a smile, and Grandma a long hug.
  6. Use it today. Pick one person to greet or say goodbye to from the menu.

Variation: Kind-words round — at dinner each person tells the person on their left one true, specific kind thing (“You helped me find my shoe”). Goodbye menu — tape the menu by the front door and let the child choose their preschool goodbye each morning.

Requirements

  • Space: Anywhere — a table for drawing, a little floor space for playing
  • Surface: Any
  • Materials: Paper and crayons; optional photos of family and friends; soft toys
  • Participants: 1 adult + 1 child; better with the whole family
  • Supervision: Light — adult plays along and models both asking and declining

Rationale & Objective

Giving compliments is one of the specific friendship behaviours the Pyramid Model identifies in children who have friends (Joseph & Strain). Affection also responds to practice: in Twardosz and colleagues’ group affection activities — ordinary preschool games and songs adapted to include greetings, hugs, and kind words — socially isolated children went on to interact more with peers during free play, and McEvoy et al. (1988) replicated the effect for children with autism in an integrated classroom. At five, the difficulty is rarely a lack of warmth; it is calibration — the bear hug a friend did not want, the kiss for a child met five minutes ago, or the opposite, a child who feels fond and has no way of showing it. A menu gives both kinds of child options, and the offer-and-answer format builds in asking, which protects the other child’s comfort and the child’s own right to say “just a wave”. This is the UK EYFS goal of showing sensitivity to others’ needs, and Montessori’s Grace & Courtesy lessons use the same method — showing a social gesture precisely, then rehearsing it when nothing is at stake.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: shows affection in one way only, often without checking (grabbing, squeezing, kissing), or rarely shows it at all; upset or confused when someone declines
  • Developing: can name several ways to show liking; offers a choice when reminded; accepts “just a wave” in the game but may still forget with real friends
  • Proficient: asks or offers before hugging peers; picks different gestures for close family, friends, and new people; says a kind, specific thing to a friend unprompted
  • Advanced: reads cues without asking aloud (steps back when a friend stiffens); comfortably declines affection they do not want; notices and names what friends do well

Safety Notes

  • Never require the child to hug or kiss anyone, relatives included — the menu always contains a no-touch option, and choosing it is never rude
  • Use the game to reinforce body-safety rules — no one touches private parts, secrets about touching are always told to a trusted adult
  • Watch for squeezing or lifting — enthusiastic 5-year-olds can hurt smaller children with a hug; teach “gentle arms, feet on the floor”
  • Some children, including many with sensory sensitivities, find touch unpleasant; respect that and widen the no-touch choices
  • If your child seeks physical affection indiscriminately from strangers, or is distressed by all touch, mention it to your pediatrician

Hints

  • Playfulness: add silly menu items — elbow bump, pinky wave, butterfly high-five, “jellyfish” handshake — and let soft toys be very choosy customers
  • Sustain interest: redraw the menu every few weeks with new inventions; let the child teach it to a grandparent or visiting cousin
  • Common mistake: teaching only the asking and forgetting the warmth. The goal is a child who shows liking freely and well, not one who is wary of it
  • Limited space: no drawing needed — play Offer and Answer by voice at the front door or at bedtime
  • Cross-domain: matching gestures to people is perspective-taking; kind-words round stretches vocabulary; hearing “no thanks” calmly is emotional regulation
  • Progression: offer and answer with a parent → practise “no thanks” both ways → match gestures to people → use the menu with a friend → give specific kind words without prompting

Sources

  • Joseph, G.E. & Strain, P.S., “You’ve Got to Have Friends” — CSEFEL (Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning), Module 2 handout
  • Twardosz, S., Nordquist, V.M., Simon, R. & Botkin, D. (1983), “The effect of group affection activities on the interaction of socially isolate children”, Analysis and Intervention in Developmental Disabilities
  • McEvoy, M.A., Nordquist, V.M., Twardosz, S. et al. (1988), “Promoting autistic children’s peer interaction in an integrated early childhood setting using affection activities”, Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis
  • UK EYFS — PSED, Building Relationships early learning goal (sensitivity to own and others’ needs)
  • Montessori — Grace & Courtesy lessons
  • CASEL — Relationship Skills competency