Special Time — Ten Minutes, You're the Boss

Ten protected minutes in which the child leads the play and the adult follows — no teaching, no questions, no corrections. It is the simplest well-studied way to strengthen a child’s relationship with a familiar adult.

  1. Name it and schedule it. “This is our Special Time. For ten minutes you’re the boss of the play.” Aim for several times a week, at a time you can keep. It is never taken away as a punishment and never has to be earned.
  2. Set a timer and clear the decks. Phone in another room. Other children are occupied or with another adult.
  3. Let the child choose. Offer open-ended things — blocks, drawing, figures, play dough, cars. Avoid screens, board games with rules, and anything rough.
  4. Follow, do not lead. Sit close. Do what the child does. If they hand you a brick, ask with your eyes where it goes.
  5. Describe and reflect. Say what you see, like a gentle sports commentator — “You’re lining all the red ones up.” Repeat back what they say. Name feelings — “You look really pleased with that.” Praise specifically — “I love how carefully you balanced it.”
  6. Hold back three things. For ten minutes, no questions, no instructions, no corrections. A purple sun is fine.
  7. Close with a ritual. Give a two-minute warning. When the timer rings, the same words every time — “I loved our Special Time. Next one is tomorrow after dinner.”

Variation: share it out — the same format with a grandparent, the other parent, an aunt, or a regular babysitter, so the child has several warm adult relationships. Walk-and-follow — outdoors, the child chooses the route and the stops.

Requirements

  • Space: A quiet corner of a room, or outdoors for the walk version
  • Surface: Floor or table
  • Materials: Open-ended toys or art materials; a kitchen timer
  • Participants: 1 adult + 1 child, strictly one-to-one
  • Supervision: Full adult attention is the activity; the adult follows rather than directs

Rationale & Objective

Maintaining positive relationships with familiar adults is part of this subdomain and the first social-emotional goal in the Head Start ELOF, and a child’s adult relationships are the template for their peer ones. The format here is shared by two well-established approaches. Banking Time (Pianta, 1999) gives a child regular, short, child-led sessions with one adult who observes, narrates, and labels feelings — the idea being to “bank” positive experiences the relationship can draw on in harder moments. Driscoll & Pianta (2010) reported gains in teacher-rated closeness in Head Start, and a large randomized trial (Williford et al., 2017) found reduced teacher negativity but, honestly, only limited main effects on children’s behaviour. The same skills — describe, reflect, praise, and avoid questions, commands, and criticism — form the child-directed phase of Parent–Child Interaction Therapy (Eyberg & Funderburk, 2011) and the “special playtime” recommended in the CDC’s parenting guidance. Why relationship quality is worth ten minutes: Hamre & Pianta (2001) found that the quality of kindergarten teacher–child relationships predicted children’s school outcomes through eighth grade.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: unsure what to do with the lead — keeps asking “What shall we play?” or tests whether the adult will really follow; protests loudly when the timer rings
  • Developing: chooses an activity quickly and settles into it; begins to narrate their own play to the adult; ends with a reminder of when the next one is
  • Proficient: asks for Special Time by name; shares ideas, plans, and feelings during it; accepts the ending calmly; is noticeably more cooperative with that adult afterwards
  • Advanced: invites the adult’s ideas into the play; brings up things that happened at preschool; seeks the same adult out for comfort and help at other times; builds similar warmth with other familiar adults

Safety Notes

  • Following the child’s lead does not suspend safety — stop anything dangerous or destructive calmly and return to following
  • If the child becomes aggressive, end the session matter-of-factly (“Special Time is finished for today; we’ll have another tomorrow”) without a lecture
  • Do not cancel it as a consequence for unrelated misbehaviour — children who are having a hard day need it most
  • Siblings need their own turns; visible unfairness undoes the benefit
  • If daily life with your child is dominated by conflict despite regular Special Time, ask your pediatrician about parenting support such as PCIT

Hints

  • Playfulness: let the child give you ridiculous orders — you are the baby dinosaur, the customer who only eats mud pies. Obey with enthusiasm
  • Sustain interest: keep a “Special Time box” of open-ended materials that only comes out for these ten minutes, and refresh it now and then
  • Common mistake: asking questions. “What are you making? What colour is that?” feels like interest but quietly takes the lead back. Swap each question for a description
  • Limited space: a corner of a bed with paper and three crayons is enough; five minutes done reliably beats twenty done rarely
  • Cross-domain: the adult’s running description feeds vocabulary; naming feelings builds emotional literacy; child-led play exercises planning and imagination
  • Progression: five minutes with a parent → ten minutes on a predictable schedule → child chooses and sets up alone → other familiar adults take a turn → child leads a younger sibling’s “special time” as the follower

Sources

  • Pianta, R.C. (1999) — Enhancing Relationships Between Children and Teachers, American Psychological Association
  • Driscoll, K.C. & Pianta, R.C. (2010), “Banking Time in Head Start”, Early Education and Development
  • Williford, A.P. et al. (2017), “Changing teacher–child dyadic interactions to improve preschool children’s externalizing behaviors”, Child Development
  • Eyberg, S.M. & Funderburk, B.W. (2011) — Parent–Child Interaction Therapy Protocol (child-directed interaction)
  • Hamre, B.K. & Pianta, R.C. (2001), “Early teacher–child relationships and the trajectory of children’s school outcomes through eighth grade”, Child Development
  • CDC — Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers (special playtime)
  • Head Start ELOF — Social and Emotional Development, relationships with adults