Our Secret Handshake

Two people invent a handshake that belongs only to them — a short sequence of claps, bumps, and wiggles performed in perfect time — and use it whenever they meet or part. Moving together and sharing a private ritual are two of the oldest ways people bond.

  1. Collect the moves. Stand facing each other and try out options — high-five, low-five, fist bump, elbow tap, back of hands, finger wiggle, thumb touch, a spin, a sound effect.
  2. Each chooses one. The child picks the first move, the partner picks the second. Do the two in a row.
  3. Build it up. Add moves one at a time, taking turns to choose, until you have four or five. Every addition has to be agreed by both.
  4. Get in sync. Practise slowly, counting “one, two, three, four” out loud, until you both do each move at the same moment. Then speed up.
  5. Name it. The pair decides on a name — “The Rocket”, “Pancake Flip”.
  6. Use it. Do it at the door when you say goodbye, at pick-up, before bed. Then help the child create a different one with a friend at a play date, and with a grandparent.

Variation: a no-touch version done facing each other in mirror — good at a distance or for a child who dislikes touch. A team chant — two or three lines with actions for siblings or a small group. Walking in step — hold hands and match footsteps on the way to preschool.

Requirements

  • Space: Anywhere two people can face each other
  • Surface: Any
  • Materials: None
  • Participants: 2 — adult + child to learn it; then child + friend, sibling, or grandparent
  • Supervision: Light — adult is a partner; with two children an adult helps them agree on the first moves

Rationale & Objective

Moving in time with someone makes children like and help them more. Rabinowitch & Meltzoff (2017) found that 4-year-olds who had first moved in synchrony with an unfamiliar peer went on to cooperate better with that peer than children who had moved out of sync. Kirschner & Tomasello (2010) found that 4-year-olds who made music and moved together were afterwards more helpful and cooperative with each other, and Tunçgenç & Cohen (2018) reported a similar boost to helping after synchronous movement in peer play among 4- to 6-year-olds. The handshake adds two further ingredients. It is a shared ritual, and Wen, Herrmann & Legare (2016) found that taking part in rituals increased children’s attachment to the group they shared them with. It is also jointly authored — each partner contributes moves and both must agree — which is a small exercise in the give-and-take that keeps friendships going. A greeting that only the two of you know marks the relationship as particular and lasting, which is how a 5-year-old begins to understand “my friend” as more than “whoever I’m playing with”. These studies measured short-term effects in the laboratory, so think of the handshake as one pleasant strand in a friendship, not a way to create one.

Progress Indicators

  • Early: copies single moves but cannot hold a sequence; wants to choose every move; timing is well out of step
  • Developing: remembers 2–3 moves in order; accepts the partner’s move with some negotiation; in time when going slowly
  • Proficient: performs a 4–5 move handshake smoothly and in sync; remembers it days later; starts it on meeting or parting
  • Advanced: invents a different handshake with a friend without adult help and keeps each one for its own person; teaches a pattern patiently to a younger child; adjusts their speed to match a slower partner

Safety Notes

  • Keep moves gentle — no hard slaps, head bumps, or finger-bending; check there is room for any spins
  • A partner may decline touch; offer the no-touch mirror version rather than insisting
  • A “secret” handshake is a fun, open kind of secret — make clear that it is different from secrets that feel bad or that someone asks you to hide from parents, which are always told
  • Watch that a handshake does not become a tool for excluding others (“you can’t know it”); encourage a separate one for each friend
  • Marked difficulty copying or sequencing simple hand movements, compared with other children the same age, is worth mentioning to your pediatrician or an occupational therapist

Hints

  • Playfulness: add sound effects — “boom”, “psshh”, a whistle — and a dramatic ending such as a freeze or a bow
  • Sustain interest: bring out a new version each season; have a slow-motion edition, a whisper edition, and an eyes-closed edition
  • Common mistake: the adult designing the whole thing. The bonding comes from building it together, so take strict turns choosing moves
  • Limited space: it needs no space or equipment — a seated, hands-only version works in a car seat or at the table
  • Cross-domain: remembering the sequence is working memory; clapping in time is rhythm and bilateral coordination; counting the moves aloud is numeracy
  • Progression: two moves with a parent → four or five moves in sync → faster and with sounds → a new one made with a friend → different handshakes kept for different people

Sources

  • Rabinowitch, T.-C. & Meltzoff, A.N. (2017), “Synchronized movement experience enhances peer cooperation in preschool children”, Journal of Experimental Child Psychology
  • Kirschner, S. & Tomasello, M. (2010), “Joint music making promotes prosocial behavior in 4-year-old children”, Evolution and Human Behavior
  • Tunçgenç, B. & Cohen, E. (2018), “Interpersonal movement synchrony facilitates pro-social behavior in children’s peer-play”, Developmental Science
  • Wen, N.J., Herrmann, P.A. & Legare, C.H. (2016), “Ritual increases children’s affiliation with in-group members”, Evolution and Human Behavior
  • UK EYFS — PSED, Building Relationships early learning goal
  • Teaching Strategies GOLD Objective 2 — establishes and sustains positive relationships